


Calculon 3.5

by BowserSpears



Category: Futurama
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Big Gay Love Story, Character Death, Cute, Finding true love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Love Story, M/M, Mild Language, Murder, Romance, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 09:03:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17978375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BowserSpears/pseuds/BowserSpears
Summary: After given another chance at life (his third chance, in fact), the former star of All My Circuits, Antonio Calculon, Sr., has decided to make a huge comeback in the showbiz world. His appearance in the popular remake of a classic, romantic drama was such a smash hit, that a huge, Hollywood party was thrown in his honor. Unfortunately, one thing lead to another, and now he finds that he has slept with one of the lead members of The Robot Mafia: Joey Mousepad. As they discover their true feelings for each other, how will the public, especially The Donbot and Clamps, take the news that they have fallen deeply in love together?





	1. Given a Third Chance

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, and welcome to a random Futurama crack ship fanfiction!
> 
> I have been slowly working on this story on the side for quite some time now, and finally decided to touch up and upload the first three (albeit, very short) chapters. Since I seem to be the first to come up with this pairing, I'm going to call this ship _Joeculon,_ 'cause, you know, if it's a ship, it's got to have a name, right? :P
> 
> Also, just to let you know, this story takes place a couple of years after the episode _Meanwhile,_ meaning that the events that took place in _Radiorama_ never happened.
> 
> I guess that's about it then. Enjoy the story!

“God damnit! I canʼt stand him being down here any longer!” The Robot Devil exclaims, about ready to pull his horns out, “I just donʼt get why everyone loves him so much! He is a _terrible_ actor! How he lasted in showbiz for as long as he did is beyond me!”

Ever since that day Calculon was crushed to death on the set of All My Circuits, the charming, self-centered robot has been itching to perform again in the worst way, spending all of his spare time writing and putting on many different one-man acts for every resident in Robot Hell.

His most recent solo performance, _The Robot Who Sleeps,_ was a huge success. The entire audience ate it up, except for The Robot Devil.

“I wish I could just get rid of him!” He praddles on to himself, “Like, sentence him back to New New York and put his soul into his backup unit, so that way, he can continue foolishly acting up there and as far away from me as possible!”

The irritated, devil robot then rests his head on his hand and watches everyone in the distance crowding around the famous actor, who is appreciating every single bit of the attention.

“Thank you! Thank you, one and all!” Calculon proudly says to his adoring fans, “I am glad that you all enjoyed the show!”

Once the large, cheering mob of robots has dispersed and went on about their business, a new friend of Calculon’s stays behind to share some exciting news with him.

“Hey, Calculon! Take a look at this!” He insists, showing his actor friend his tablet, “The ratings for your appearances in All My Circuits and The Magnificent Three rose dramatically after you died. Look at all these positive reviews!”

Calculon adjusts the lenses in his eye sockets and skims through good review after good review, very pleased, and even a little overwhelmed, to read that his living fans have not forgotten about him.

“This is incredible!”

“I know, right? Everyone wishes that they could’ve had more from you!”

The famous android then ponders for a moment and calculates a plan in his head.

“Then itʼs settled! I now know what I must do...”

As Calculon struts away, he goes and approaches the cheeky, devilish, ruler of Robot Hell in hopes of asking him for a huge, life-changing favor.

“Well, if it isn’t _Mr. Bigshot!”_ The Robot Devil says sarcastically, rolling his eyes and groaning in absolute disgust, “What do you want from me this time?”

“Robot Devil, I would like to be revived, please!”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean, I request that my software be installed onto my backup unit, so that I may perform for everyone outside this Hell hole again! I must give my adoring fans up there what they want. More of me. More of Calculon!”

“You know I can’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“Because, it’s unethical! If people see that I just let you out of Robot Hell, then _everyone_ will want out of Robot Hell! You think just because you used to be some super famous, A-list actor that you can just get some sort of special treatment out of me. Well, you’ve got another thing comin’ for ya’, buddy! That’s not how things work down here!”

“Well then. I didn’t think that it would have to come to this, but...”

Calculon then floats down onto the burning, rocky ground directly in front of the devil-like android, and cries out, “Oh please, Robot Devil! I’m begging you! Please, let me out of here! I don’t belong here! I’m telling you, I _don’t_ belong here!”

The Robot Devil just sits back into his throne silently and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“And for once, I am _not_ acting! I’m serious! I am _dead_ serious!”

After several more minutes, as the former star of All My Circuits continues to weep and beg for his life back, The Robot Devil growls in frustration and shouts, “Alright, alright! Give it a rest, damnit! I’ll put your soul into your damn backup unit, I guess...”

“Really? You mean it?”

“I’m sure I’ll pay hell for this, but if it means getting you off my back and never having to sit through another one of your horribly performed plays ever again, then so be it!”

“No deals or bargaining?”

“No deals. No bargaining. No nothing.”

“Oh, thank you Robot Devil! Thank you every so kindly!” Calculon exclaims as he strenuously shakes his hand, almost breaking it clean off in the process.

He then stops to read back through his conversation history, and says, “Hey, wait a second. _Horribly performed plays?_ What are you talking about? I can assure you that they are, indeed, _not_ horribly performed!”

“I beg to differ.”

“Besides, I received my amazing and inspiring acting skills making a deal with you! Remember?”

“Yeah, well, I’m really starting to regret ever doing that...”


	2. Back and Bigger Than Ever

After being kicked out of Robot Hell and being sent back to New New York in his brand new backup unit, Calculon picks up where he had left off last and continues on with his old life of acting and performing again.

However, taking the devil robot’s comments to heart, the robotic actor decides to revisit the one friend that was of tremendous help to him and his acting skills, moments before his second death: Turanga Leela.

Thanks to the one-eyed, purple-haired mutant’s coaching, Calculon has opened himself up more to constructive criticism, learned the importance of performing second takes when needed, and found newer and better ways that he can improve on his acting in order to make it seem more natural and more believable.

He has also took notes on his mistakes by looking back through and watching his past acts and performances, especially from his many appearances on the overly famous, robo-soap opera, All My Circuits.

Once Calculon has successfully molded and shaped himself into a much more sufficient actor, after months and months of training, he then goes on to star in a new film called _Robotic Beauty:_ A simple, romantic drama about a kind, handsome, and good-natured male bot who falls deeply in love with a very attractive but cold-hearted female human, who is destined by the court to spend the rest of her life behind bars.

The movie was a major box-office success. Calculon, and his acting career, have been successfully revived.

Soon after receiving awards for _Best Male Actor, Best Lead Actor,_ and _Best Actor of 3015,_ an enormous, Hollywood party was thrown in the android’s honor for his amazing comeback into the acting scene.

Everybody from around the world and from other planets showed up to this lively shindig, including the whole gang at Planet Express.

Even The Robot Mafia has crashed this party.

“Congratulations on all your success, Calculon!” Leela says to the robo-actor.

“Thank you kindly, Leela!”

“Way to go, Calculon!” Fry cheers.

“Yeah, way to go, buddy!” Bender adds, “I don’t like to admit to these kinds of things, but I actually cried at the ending!”

“He did too! I was there when it happened!” Fry affirms.

“Aww. Thank you so much, everyone! I couldn’t have ever accomplished this without any of your guys’s support. Especially not without your’s, Leela.”

“Well, all I can say is, you deserve every bit of the attention you’re getting,” Leela states.

“God, it feels so good to be back here acting again!” Calculon states as he takes a sip of his oil cocktail, “I tell you, I have not lived like this in a _long_ time.”

“You mean you haven’t been living _at all,”_ Bender adds.

Everyone then chuckles at the bending unit’s smart remark, as Calculon adds, “Yes, quite literally.”

“Well, maybe you should let loose tonight. You know, just go absolutely nuts and have the time of your life!” Fry suggests.

“Yeah… you know what, maybe I will!”

And Calculon does just that.

Time flies by and the night grows older. Every attendant at the party continues to talk, and drink, and have such a wonderful time.

As the famous acting robot scarfs down alcoholic drink after alcoholic drink, everything starts to become one, fast, fuzzy blur.

But he didn’t care.

He was too busy having fun and feeling like being on top of the world, and that was all that mattered to him in this moment.


	3. Regrettable Night

Late next morning, long after the party has ended and everyone has gone home, Calculon boots out of sleep mode and finds himself back at his big, glorious mansion and in his master bed.

_Oh, dear god. What happened last night?_

As the robot actor sorts through his history, trying to figure out all of what happened the night before, he pauses and takes note of the second robot lying by his side, still sound asleep, with the covers draped over their head.

_Well, no wonder I woke up in bed. Looks like someone got lucky._

Calculon then glances over to his left side and finds something rather peculiar to him. 

Laying there, appearing to have been carelessly tossed on his bedside table, is a tiny, dark blue mousepad with a small, white computer mouse, linked to a long, golden chain.

_That’s strange. What girl do I know wears jewelry like this?_

Confused, and a bit scared, he performs a quick search through the database of all the robots that attended the huge gathering last night.

After only a minute has elapsed, Calculon finds an exact match.

_Oh no. No. No! Don’t tell me that’s who I think that is!_

As he rips away the sheets off of the mystery robot, his worst fears are confirmed.

His last night lover was none other than Joey Mousepad, the muscleman of The Robot Mafia.

 _“Aaaah!!!”_ Calculon screams.

The second robot then snaps himself out of sleep mode and focuses his vision on the frightened android sitting next to him.

 _“What the hell?!”_ Joey screams back.

“What are you doing in _my_ mansion and in _my_ bed?!”

“I- I don’t know! I swear, I dunno how I got here!”

“We… we did it last night, didn’t we?!”

“It sure looks that way, dawg!”

Covering his eyes with his gold, metal claws, Calculon exclaims, “Oh my god! I can’t believe this! I had _sex_ with a goddamn _male bot!”_

“Shit! I gotta get the hell outta here before someone sees!” Joey states as he snatches up his things and hastily jumps out of the window.

As he makes an awkward landing in the bushes down below, he then quickly hops out, despite damaging the hinge connecting his right knee to his leg, and clumsily runs off in the distance.

“I can't believe it. I _cannot_ believe it. I am utterly ashamed of myself. This is _not_ how I wanted my third chance at life to start out like!” Calculon states to himself.

For the rest of the day, the robotic actor remains in bed and hides, hoping not to have to visit or converse with anybody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Due to basically next to no reception received, this story was abandoned and will more than likely _not_ be finished any time soon. I apologize for the inconvenience. :(**


End file.
